Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Dead Cats Hanging from Poles
Posted by Sam at 2:03 PM | tags: ,

Glenn Danzig is many things -- punk legend, pectoral-implant spokesman, the devil incarnate, father figure, short -- but did you know that he is a poet too? Today, on sam bot dot com, I'd like to initiate what is destined to become a beautiful Halloween tradition: the reciting of Danzig poetry. (It really is a shame Halloween only comes around once a year... isn't it?)

by Glenn Danzig

Bonfires burning bright
Pumpkin faces in the night
I remember halloween

Dead cats hanging from poles
Little dead are out in droves
I remember halloween

Brown leafed vertigo
Where skeletal life is known
I remember halloween

This day anything goes
Burning bodies hanging from poles
I remember halloween

Halloween, halloween, halloween, halloween

Candy apples and razor blades
Little dead are soon in graves
I remember halloween

This day anything goes
Burning bodies hanging from poles
I remember

Halloween, halloween, halloween, halloween
Halloween, halloween, halloween, halloween

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Friday, October 27, 2006

Someone Puked on my Blog
Posted by Sam at 1:56 PM | tags:

My housemates are throwing a keg party tonight. So, should it be of any surprise that someone has already puked on my stuff? No, not really. My stuff is always the first to get puked on. But geez, did they have to puke on sam bot dot com? I mean, come on! This blog is all the way over there on the internet! You really have to go out of your way to puke on a blog...

Okay okay... the puke wasn't really a result of the impending kegger. It is, however, the result of feeding my URL to this amazing site called Netdisaster. You can do all kinds of damage to any website you want. My favs are, in no particular order, chainsaw, flies, cigarette burn, and of course, vomit. But really, they're all fantastic!

Oh... and yes, there really is going to be a bona fide kegger at the ol' homestead tonight. Will I be taking part? No no, not me. I prefer a quiet night at the library, studying, as opposed to a raucous evening of drunken debauchery. And besides, I've never quite mastered the dignified art of the keg stand.

Netdisaster (via The Red Ferret Journal)

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Thursday, October 26, 2006

Pat, Hillary, and Bootsy
Posted by Sam at 3:44 PM | tags: ,

Today is a very special day in history. Let's see, according to the Wikipedia, October 26th is the birthday of Pat Sajak, Hillary Clinton, Bootsy Collins, and... WTF!? There is a glaring omission in that list of 10/26 birthdays. Lucky for me, this is the Wikipedia: an all encompassing online encyclopedia, for the people, by the people, where no knowledge, no matter how arcane or useless, is exempt! In fact, their main page even reads, "Welcome to Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia that anyone can edit." If you find an error in an entry, well, just log in and change it! It's the people's encyclopedia... no need to be an authority on a subject, just be a schmo with internet access and an opinion! And, being a schmo of similar classification, I'll just log in and correct this minor oversight. Gimme a sec...

[insert mind-numbing elevator muzak here]

"...that anyone can edit!?" Not likely. My edit of the October 26th page lasted just about .25 seconds. Screw you Wikipedia! I'm starting my own free encyclopedia... one that only I can edit. It will be the true source of all knowledge on the internet, because its authors will be reputable... a.k.a. they'll all be me! And my first entry will be the following:

October 26 Birthdays
2004 - sam bot dot com, the best thing that has ever happened on the internet

Ha! Take that, Wikipedia.

(Anyway, happy birthday sambot! I can't believe its only been 2 years. It feels like a lifetime.)

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Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Kicking It Old School
Posted by Sam at 4:57 PM | tags: ,

The iPod turned 5-years-old yesterday. What the hell am I still doing with this ancient, heavy as a brick, second generation, prehistoric iPod (circa 2001)? I'm kicking it old school... that's what!

I saw a t-shirt somewhere that said, "I had an iPod before you even knew what one was." Man, that totally rings true. I can still remember five years ago when I would whip out my iPod and people were like, "Dude, what the hell is that thing?" At the time, it was pretty sexy and induced quite a few jealous stares from my gadget-obsessed, albeit uniformed peers. Yeah, I was the coolest kid on the block. Interestingly, when I whip out my iPod nowadays, I get the same, "Dude, what the hell is that thing?" But instead of my peers drooling lustfully and implying awe with their remark, they scoff at my ancient relic and comment, hurtfully, at the lack of a color display. All this, while they pull out their brand new video iPods and play some hot new movie that they torrented and transfered onto that slick device. God, I just hate them all! I hate them so much. And I hate that smug look of satisfaction on their conniving little faces too.

Right. So anyway, happy belated birthday, old friend. Hopefully you'll die soon so that I can replace you with something younger and prettier.

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Friday, October 20, 2006

This Semester...
Posted by Sam at 9:20 PM | tags:

...is kicking my ass.

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Saturday, October 14, 2006

Comma Boy, Ahoy!
Posted by Sam at 3:28 PM | tags: , ,

Yesterday, during dinner, between bites of deep fried mac & cheese balls, while talking about personal showering habits, Carla, a first semester UCONN medical student, said, "I'm playing with dead people all day long... I need to shower."

One day, I hope to legitimately be able say, "I'm playing with dead people all day long." It's a life goal of mine, and one that is more easily attainable than, say, piloting a gold-plated, diamond-encrusted, battle-droid, which happens to be somewhat of a less easily attainable life goal (for me anyway).

(As a point of interest, including this "point of interest" and the title, there are 23 commas in this post, but only 6 sentences... sorry, I didn't get much sleep last night, and the coffee, it just ain't working yet. Maybe it's time I made the switch to something a bit more potent, like Cocaine.)

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Friday, October 13, 2006

The Living Bejesus
Posted by Sam at 1:54 PM | tags: ,

Children scare the living bejesus out of me. Why? Well, just look at them! They're like needy, disproportional, mini-adults... with missing teeth, leaking noses, and an underdeveloped intellect. Actually, they more closely resemble monkeys. The only difference is that, in a few million years, monkeys will have had the opportunity to evolve into a more highly sophisticated mammal, while children... well, they'll still be creepy and gross.

Yes, my logic is truly flawless! (and dizzying)

And so, on this very special Friday the Thirteenth, I'd like to pay homage to children and their overwhelming creepiness by looking at this phenomenal gallery of zombie youth devouring human flesh.

Oh... and a Happy Birthday Shout Out to Jason Voorhees! May this year bring you much blood, carnage, and skinny-dipping teenagers.

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Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Sambert (dot com)
Posted by Sam at 12:33 PM | tags: ,

My coworkers know me well. Too well. This was fastened to the bulletin board (not bulletin board, as in BBS... bulletin board in the traditional sense. You know, cork and thumbtacks. Geez, you are one old school nerd...) when I got into work today.

Thanks y'all!

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Monday, October 09, 2006

Feeling Inadequate
Posted by Sam at 8:05 PM | tags:

Google bought YouTube for something like 1.6 billion dollars today. That's a lot of coffee, burritos, and MacBooks. Very impressive, but I really don't care. Honestly, that sum is so incomprehensible that it doesn't even register as extrordinary. Luckily, that's not what this post is about. It's not about unfathomable sums of money being passed from one corporation to another, it's not about the fact that 1.6 billion dollars could probably feed a lot of hungry people, it's not about the rich getting richer, nor is it about an ungrateful grad student whining about his dwindling assets. Nope. None of the above. This post is about my monumental inadequacy as a self-professed, top shelf, numero uno, high quality blogger. (Bear with me... I'll pull it all together. I promise)

As an illustration of my deficiency, and as an attempt to add some all-too-revealing perspective, I offer you the following, quoted from Gizmodo writer, Jason Chen:

"We hope that both Google Video and YouTube's quality both increase, rather than go to Shitsville, as is so often the case when the number one and number two merge. It's never pretty whenever we make a number one and a number two together."

That is f-ing brilliant. "It's never pretty whenever we make a number one and a number two together." It's witty, relevant, and lowbrow. My friends, the magnificence displayed above is the mark of a quality blogger: The innate ability to be insightful, yet intellectually undemanding. The dexterity to provide shrewd commentary but still maintain accessibility to that bottom-of-the-barrel intellect. Here at sam bot dot com, I understand the concept of writing for the lowest common denominator... hell, I am the lowest common denominator. But, it's that lowest-totem-on-the-pole sensibility that we bloggers often abandon in way of a more sophisticated level of humor. Thank you, Jason Chen, for being humble. Thank you for lighting the path to true blog professionalism and showing us the importance of keeping things confined to that lowest rung. But, most importantly, thank you for keeping it real.

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Thursday, October 05, 2006

The Tip of Snoopy's Devo Hat
Posted by Sam at 10:41 PM | tags:

Part 2 of 2 of sam bot dot com's October 5th, What's-on-my-mind?-Not-a-whole-hell-of-a-lot series (part 1?)

It occurred to me the other day, while at work, which is where I do my most profound thinking, that I really really really miss my Snoopy Sno-cone Machine. That thing was hot!.. er, cold. And it was such an empowering device to give to a child. "You mean I can make my very own sno-cones!? There truly is a god... and his name is Snoopy." The greatest part was squeezing the Kool-Aid-like syrup out of the tip of Snoopy's Devo hat...

Squeezing the Kool-Aid-like syrup out of the tip of Snoopy's Devo hat? This post is officially over.

(But before I go, one final thought: Imagine all the debaucherous things one could do with a Snoopy Sno-cone Machine as an adult. Snoopy is no longer restricted by his PG-13 shackles. Nope. Let's fill Snoopy with Jagermeister. It's Snoopy-meister time!)

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Is that a Dongle in Your Pocket or are You Just...
Posted by Sam at 10:07 PM | tags:

Part 1 of 2 of sam bot dot com's October 5th, What's-on-my-mind?-Not-a-whole-hell-of-a-lot series (part 2?)

Look, some people are just averse to certain words. It's a fact of humanity and a sad, but undeniable truth. I know a girl (oh, you know who you are) who cringes at the mere mention of the word "lotion." She hates it. It makes her react violently (and I've felt the full brunt of that violence). "Ointment" too. And the word "paste," I think. Actually, anything that is likely to be distributed in tube form. It's bizarre, but it's the truth. And it's okay. Because today, I discovered, to my great annoyance, that I too have an extreme aversion to a word. Blech! It makes me nauseous just thinking about it. But I guess if I expect this post to go anywhere, I'm going to have to write it down. Ugh. Ready? Here it comes:


Icky! Gross! Puke! Geez... that's a disgusting word. I hate it! Let's never speak of it again. Think happy thoughts... coffee, donuts, beer, a new MacBook... Okay. Better.

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Sam Who!?
Sam is an amazing and humble guy. Once, he rushed into a burning building, up six flights of stairs to save a kitten from certain death. He speaks eight languages, has mastered three varieties of martial arts, is a wine expert, and is a pulitzer prize winning author. Sam is an international heart-throb who prefers a quiet evening at home knitting afghans for the homeless, to the go-go, glitz and glamor of the party scene. I think the day he won the silver medal for ballroom dancing at the 98 olympics was the happiest of his life. Pretty impressive for a guy who never finished the 8th grade. - Carrie, 04
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