Monday, March 20, 2006

Okay People, Listen Up...
Posted by Sam at 6:56 PM | tags: , ,

Apple is not and will not be producing an iPhone... ever. They may put software on other phones (like iTunes on the miserable ROKR), but they will not produce a cellular telephone. Why would they? There are so many carriers and plans and compatibility issues... it would be a mess. A sloppy, sticky, beer-coated mess. Like the current state of my apartment. Really. My housemate and I were remarking, just the other day, on the fact that every surface in the apartment is covered in a fine tacky residue that smells vaguely of alcohol and brings back memories of the good times, the bad times, and of course, the drunken times (which, incidentally, are all the same thing). It's as if a 30 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon spontaneously vaporized in the direct center of the apartment, coating all surfaces, ceiling included, with alco-glue. Hmm... alco-glue. I call dibs on the alco-glue patent. And the .com too!

So, where were we? Ah yes... When Apple released the iPod into the mix, there had been no truly successful portable MP3 players on the market. The iPod set the standard from which all other MP3 players would be judged. Apple brought the portable MP3 player to a mass audience. But the cell phone is already in the hands of the masses. And while I fully agree that the cell phone is a device that is in drastic need of a usability overhaul, I do not think that Apple is going to be the one to take it on. Why? Because Apple works alone. They make the hardware. They make the software. The cell phone carriers have so much proprietary crud embedded in their networks and devices that the likelihood of Apple being able to maintain the slick user interface and sexy hardware design that we've come to expect, would be nearly impossible.

Okay? So leave this one alone, people. No iPhone. Not now. Not ever.

Comments: 7 | Post a Comment | Permalink

Apple doesn't make all it's hardware, do they? It buys hardware and assembles it. At least, on the pc...err, mac...side. They've lied to you, Sam! Brainwashed!

Though, I agree. I don't feel there is a need for, specifically, an iPhone. Though, a mac-mini sized phone, with a 4GB HDD, a pretty decent sound system, and the cursory ability to call people, wouldn't be THAT bad, would it?

Comment By Blogger Blackwatch on March 21, 2006 10:48 AM

Hey...are you posting this from prison?

Comment By Blogger Blackwatch on March 21, 2006 10:48 AM

True, true... Apple doesn't make all of their hardware. I think the point that I was trying to make is that Apple is in control of both the hardware and the software.

And... umm... the Mac Mini is small for a desktop 'puter. But damn, that'd be one large phone! I think, however, that you were probably referring to the nano or perhaps the iPod mini. In that case, yeah, it'd be a cool device. But it still ain't gonna come from Apple. Actually, I've seen some of my undergrad underlings milling around the library with Sony Walkman phones that look pretty hype. I think it's SD compatible... and aren't those up to 4GB yet?

Oh... and yes, I am posting this from prison. I write my posts on toilet paper and then tie them to a pigeon who flies off to an "outside connection" who posts the entry for me (thanks mom!). It's a pretty sweet set-up. And I'm adjusting well to prison life... thanks for asking. The food is much better than anything that I have ever cooked for myself and my prison roommate is way cleaner than my old one. I'm learning all kinds of important life skills too... like how to make a "shiv" out of practically anything. In fact, just the other day I was stabbed with a particularly innovative design. I think it was made out of stale bread or something. So anyway, yep, things are looking up for me... some of the other guys have even started to wink and whistle at me. They seem really nice. I'm sure I'll get to know them soon enough.

Comment By Blogger Sam on March 21, 2006 11:29 AM

Man, you and your "accuracy" are gonna go places! Prison, I guess...

Yes, your corrections are well made. I indeed meant iPod Mini.

I'll buy your point that Apple controls their hardware. Was just making sure it's clear. :) I'm quite sure it was before i "helped".

And...as far as prison goes...tell Bubba "no means no". And send some ghost town pics via messenger pigeon!

Comment By Blogger Blackwatch on March 21, 2006 11:35 AM

On behalf of my vegetarian soul, and the general aesthetic of your blog, I object to that picture of dead rats soup! It's horrible! AAh!

Comment By Anonymous Elham on March 22, 2006 11:57 PM

Yes Apple will come out with the phone. They will make it will be a GSM phone with quadband. Its the only logical thing that would work for eveyone unless your on Sprint are Verizion but they may have two diffrent models. Who knows when it will be out. Its only a matter of time.

Comment By Anonymous Anonymous on July 31, 2006 5:34 PM

** cough **

... I love my iPhone (not 3G though)

Comment By Anonymous Tommy on November 27, 2008 2:25 AM

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Sam Who!?
Sam is an amazing and humble guy. Once, he rushed into a burning building, up six flights of stairs to save a kitten from certain death. He speaks eight languages, has mastered three varieties of martial arts, is a wine expert, and is a pulitzer prize winning author. Sam is an international heart-throb who prefers a quiet evening at home knitting afghans for the homeless, to the go-go, glitz and glamor of the party scene. I think the day he won the silver medal for ballroom dancing at the 98 olympics was the happiest of his life. Pretty impressive for a guy who never finished the 8th grade. - Carrie, 04
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