The Peter Parker Scenerio
Posted by Sam at 11:03 AM

Moments ago, as I returned from the local caffeine pusher... coffee in hand, heart beginning to race from the anticipation of the morning's first hot caffeine injection... and sat down to read my news, check the ol' email, and gather my thoughts for the day... all while cradling that blissful, steaming cup of enlightenment... I found a curious email in my inbox from my pal Mike (who resides in the deepest and darkest depths of the most lukewarm and tepid of infernos). His email pointed to a study done by NASA, where spiders were dosed with various chemicals and let loose to [attempt to] build their webs.

The chemicals included in the experiment were marijuana, LSD, a few others that I can't remember, and caffeine. What you'll notice when observing the resulting webs, is that each drugged spider produced a failed web structure characteristic of their drug's specific effects. "The spider on marijuana drifted off before finishing the job. The spider on benzedrine, an upper, worked energetically but without much planning. The spider dosed with chloral hydrate, a sedative, soon fell asleep. But the spider dosed with caffeine was by far the most disoriented and proved incapable of creating even a single organized cell."

I find it hard to believe that a spider's reaction to a chemical substance is equivalent to that of a human (especially considering that coffee is the only thing keeping me from being "disoriented" and "incapable of creating even a single organized cell..." well, maybe the cell part doesn't really apply to my particular situation, but you get the point). Now, I'm not a NASA Scientist, so I can't say for certain. But if there's one thing I did learn in graphic design college, it was that spiders are not people (we had a very weird curriculum).

The point of this post however, is not to prove how much smarter I am than NASA. No, I'm saving that one for a rainy day. The point of this post is to bring light to the fact that NASA has made a huge oversight within their research. NASA has completely omitted any related studies on, what I'd like to call, the Peter Parker Scenerio.

Peter Parker, a teenage science nerd whose skills with the ladies rival that of my own, was bitten by a radioactive spider which mutated the very fibers that make him human and turned him into a super-human with spider-like abilities... a "Spiderman," if you will. The question that I'd like to pose at this juncture is: If the result of being bitten by a radioactive spider is super-human strength and spider-like abilities, what would be the mutation resulting from a hyper-caffeinated spider bite? Sticking to the walls and talking really fast? Well, there's only one way to find out. To NASA, ho!

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Brilliant!!!!

Comment By TheDarkLordDerfla on August 17, 2005 8:11 AM

We are now sending all your "ho"s to NASA? Awesome! NASA should be full right quick.

I think the rest of the post is quite interesting. Why are they dosing spiders? If we know drugs are bad (mmm'kay) then why are they continually trying to prove it? We know most of what they said already (although the coffee was very interesting) because humans have been kind enough to experiment. No matter what drugs they took, they too were unable to shoot webbing from their ass.

Hell, the pot spider prolly woke up from his daze, spun a huge web, caught a twinkie, and chowed down.

Comment By Blackwatch on August 17, 2005 8:25 AM