Relationship With a Capital "R"
Posted by Sam at 4:58 PM

Lately, it seems as though all conversations lead in the same direction. They point to the same place. Regardless of what the initial topic was, all innocent conversations inevitably become harrowing (for me) talks of relationship woes, relationship triumphs, or relationship confusions. Yesterday's conversation was no different.

My friend Rebecca and I ventured out into the Northampton night. Our destination was The Tunnel Bar, where we sat in the furthest possible place from the door... the darkest, most foreboding area of the establishment. It seemed somehow appropriate. And the light at the end of the tunnel (come on... you know I had to throw that one in) was far, far away.

We began talking and laughing, as we tend to do. And, as I mentioned, the lighthearted dialog transformed (as it tends to do) into the Relationship-with-a-capital-R conversation.

It was good though. She and I have always shared a yearning for true love... while simultaneously sharing a frustration for the process. Anyway, it was within this conversation that Rebecca brought forth the following statement... poignant, concise, honest:

If this is love, I'm fucked.

She was referring, of course, to past relationships and to the times when she felt that she was in love. This instantly rang true with me (so true, that I deemed it critical to jot it down on a napkin and then take a phone-cam photo... hence the grainy, blurry, and all-around crappy photo attached to this entry).

The point is... or at least, the point that I'm trying to make, is that apparently I have no idea what love is. The times when I have felt that I was in love or have been loved have all concluded in venomous spheres of torment... ok, admittedly that's a tad harsh. How 'bout if they "have all ended unpleasantly." If the love that I have experienced is truly love, then I am fucked. Hopefully, (please please please) it's simply a matter of "I just haven't found true love yet." I'm clinging to that... because if true love is on the line, I don't think that I'm willing to settle for psuedo-love. In other words, I think that I would rather be alone than be half-assed in love.

Yep. It's full-assed, 100% lovin' or no lovin' at all.

(that should be a bumper sticker)

Comments: 6 | Post a Comment | Permalink

"half-assed in love"
That makes me sad.

Comment By Anonymous on March 23, 2005 8:16 PM

your friend Rebecca is wise beyond her years.

Comment By Anonymous on March 23, 2005 10:13 PM

this is so sad....

Comment By Anonymous on March 24, 2005 8:38 AM

all innocent conversations inevitably become harrowing (for me) talks of relationship woes, relationship triumphs, or relationship confusions ...

and twinkie-covered pizzas

Comment By S2.0 on March 24, 2005 12:21 PM

Sam - you will never be alone that is for sure...cuz I will always be there to bother you. Love, your little sister

Comment By Anonymous on March 24, 2005 3:20 PM

dear sam,
your post reminds me of sitting in your car while you explained how a certain opeth song was actually an explication of the demise of love... maybe your post should become a song... and we could all listen to it on our ipods and feel both depressed and oddly uplifted (lifted up?)

Comment By kjwaggon on March 24, 2005 8:44 PM