Monday, July 11, 2005

The Correct Way To Paint a Bicycle Frame
Posted by Sam at 6:36 PM

Sambot.com's Definitive Guide To Bicycle Frame Painting
or
How To Get Evicted In 12 Easy Steps

Step 1. Always paint inside. This allows for quicker access to beer... which as it turns out, you won't even need seeing as the paint fumes do a bang up job of killing those useless brain cells anyway. Ventilation shmentilation.

Step 2. Don't paint in your room. Paint in a common area... like the living room. Why should you be the only one inconvenienced?

Step 3. Never tell the landlord... and if possible, try to avoid telling the housemates. If the housemates do catch wind of your little project, try to confuse them and change the subject:

Housemates: Sam, why is there a bicycle shaped outline of orange spray paint on the living room floor?
Sam: Yo' mamma's a bicycle shaped outline of orange spray paint on the living room floor.
Housemates: That's not an answer.
Sam: Neither is your mom... and she doesn't even pay rent!
Housemates: What?
Sam: Exactly. Now, what's for dinner?

Step 4. Use high adhesive duct tape to adhere large sheets of brown paper to the walls and furniture. Make sure the paper blocks all available exits. As an added bonus, you'll find that when you remove the duct tape, it will leave behind a gooey residue that will never come off. This will be a constant reminder of a job well done.

Step 5. Take apart the bike and tape up all the important blah blah blah...

Step 6. Time to paint the frame! Hopefully, by this point you've picked out an obnoxious color (like "pumpkin orange"). Well, what are you waiting for? Grab that can of spray paint and start spraying! Tip: Don't waste time shaking up the paint. That will only provide a boring uniform coating. You want an uneven gloopy mess on your frame... that way, the color is more like "pumpkin gut orange."

At this point, your feet are most likely covered in paint and filth (did I mention that you should always paint barefoot?). Instead of tracking paint through the house (your housemates might be able to point the blame at you if they match up the footprints on the carpet with your feet), stick paper towels to the bottoms of your feet. Now you're evidence-free and one of the cool kids. Yea!

Step 7. Sit/fall down. Are the fumes getting to you? Keep those windows closed. You don't want any of the paint odor to escape and alert the landlord.

Step 8. Make sure you handle the frame while the paint is still wet. Flip the bike over to paint the other side. Wipe hands on carpet or walls, whichever is closer.

Step 9. Repeat steps 6 through 8 until there is no paint left.

Step 10. Reassemble bike.

Step 11. Ride into sunset.

Step 12. Ignore the hurtful ridicule from everyone who sees you riding a "pumpkin gut orange" monstrosity.

...and that's all there is to it! Good luck!

Comments: 12 | Post a Comment | Permalink

Wow...you forgot to mention that you should attempt this project on one of the hottest days of the year.

Comment By Blogger TheDarkLordDerfla on July 12, 2005 9:13 AM

ok that foot picture is so gross, you have hairs stuck to the bottom of your feets. icky! when do we get to see the finished results?

Comment By Anonymous Anonymous on July 12, 2005 1:16 PM

wow, im really sad i missed the paper towel booties. if we get evicted, do we still get our security deposit back?

Comment By Blogger manuel noriega on July 13, 2005 12:43 AM

Dood, you did all this to drive a pumpkin gut orange single speed "short bus" around town for your ride bys? Just remember, they may remember who you are, as you glow off into the sunset.

Also, the pictoral (pictorial?) progression leaves much to the imagination, such as bright oranges smears all over the walls, probably your hair as you rip it out indignantly, and, of course, the ceiling, due the that ill-fated "don't flip the bike over to paint the bottom" idea you had first.

Well done!

Comment By Blogger Blackwatch on July 13, 2005 10:14 AM

damn it. im really looking on instructions on how to paint a bike. although i found this very informative i think i may have to continue my search.

Comment By Anonymous Anonymous on March 17, 2006 1:35 PM

Superman is no longer my hero.... you are.

Comment By Anonymous Anonymous on July 12, 2006 12:49 PM

wow dude ur a fuckin idiot!!!! that must be the stupidest way iv'e ever heared to paint a fuckin bike!!! u should o jump off a cliff!!! -.-

Comment By Anonymous Anonymous on October 16, 2006 12:59 PM

thanx

Comment By Anonymous Anonymous on January 14, 2007 9:04 PM

I love this. I love this.

I love this. You've earned a link. I'm sending you a picture.

Comment By Blogger Lane on January 14, 2007 9:47 PM

You are linked by a thread.
Your fame hangs by this one:
http://tinyurl.com/34wrxz
I'm shooting for a lemon
peel finish myself. Your article
is a grate halp. BTW, solvent fumes
dont affleck us as much if we inhale them to build tlolerance. Thx.

Comment By Anonymous Anonymous on April 13, 2007 6:09 AM

I painted mine in the kitchen, that way everyone's food tasted like spraybomb delite. Also I hung it in the doorway to the balcony, so when I painted I opened the door and let in all the cold air, so that our vintage heating system had to work extra hard.

Comment By Anonymous Anonymous on November 16, 2007 6:11 PM

Okay.

As I was reading this, I got to the point where I had to wipe my eyes, I was laughing so hard.

Comment By Anonymous Anonymous on June 14, 2008 6:29 PM

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Sam Who!?
Sam is an amazing and humble guy. Once, he rushed into a burning building, up six flights of stairs to save a kitten from certain death. He speaks eight languages, has mastered three varieties of martial arts, is a wine expert, and is a pulitzer prize winning author. Sam is an international heart-throb who prefers a quiet evening at home knitting afghans for the homeless, to the go-go, glitz and glamor of the party scene. I think the day he won the silver medal for ballroom dancing at the 98 olympics was the happiest of his life. Pretty impressive for a guy who never finished the 8th grade. - Carrie, 04
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