Wednesday, October 27, 2004

It's the Great Pumpkin's Reign of Terror, Charlie Brown
Posted by Sam at 11:41 AM

Why is it that my childhood memories of "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" are way cooler than the actual film? Why is it that I remember some giant Pumpkin Lord levitating above Linus and Sally, showering them with stones and rancid pumpkin innards? Why is it that I remember Linus and Sally fleeing in terror as the menacing Pumpkin Lord chases them through the streets of Peanutsville (or wherever the Peanuts are from), shouting profanity and threatening to haunt their dreams? Oh... it must be because that's what I wish happened.

Here is my modified plot summary for "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown"
Renamed: It's the Great Pumpkin's Reign of Terror, Charlie Brown

Linus convinces the Peanuts gang to perform an ancient pagan ritual know as The Harvest Summoning. Reluctant at first, the gang finally agrees when Linus promises them the resurrection of the Great Pumpkin, who will present them with mounds and mounds of sweet 1960's style candy in thanks for awakening him from his long slumber. In full black hooded satanic garb, the Peanuts gang tromp into the middle of the local pumpkin patch. A small clearing has been made where a pentagram, candles, and a sacrificial alter stand ready. The children stand in a circle around the pentagram, hand in hand, chanting. Linus, the High Pumpkin Priest, stands at the alter. A plump, juicy pumpkin shines in moonlight beneath him... the pick of the litter. A frightening array of pumpkin carving equipment sits next to the pumpkin. Linus hefts a large knife above his head and begins. "The time has come, O' Pumpkin Lord! Your awakening is near! From this moment 'til the end of eternity, the Great Pumpkin shall rule the earth. A time of candy filled prosperity is upon us. Rise, Pumpkin Lord! Rise and deliver us from this sugarless world. Show us the righteous path to tooth decay that only the Great Pumpkin's candy reign can bring!" And with that, Linus plunges the knife into pumpkin's thick walls. A bolt of lightning crashes down as the pumpkin begins to carve itself. The children gasp in horror. A face carves out of the pumpkin and rises above the children. Linus, the first of the Peanuts Gang to muster enough courage to speak, kneals before the Great Pumpkin, and says, "O' Great Pumpkin, we have awakened you from your slumber in our greatest time of need. We, the children of Peanutsville, are in dire need of your sweet candy bounty. Bestow upon us the sugary delights that we've craved for so long." The Great Pumpkin, seemingly indifferent to the pleas for candy, simply turns to look at the children. Linus and the gang wait with open arms and open mouths for delivery of the promised candy. The Great Pumpkin opens his mouth, as if to speak, but instead vomits an acidic orange pulpy pumpkin goo all over the children. Linus and the gang scream in agony as their flesh is melted off their bones, leaving nothing but orange stained skeletons. The Great Pumpkin pauses for a moment, rolls his floating pumpkin head back and laughs. The screen fades to black, but before the Pumpkin lord disappears to torment the world for the rest of eternity, the Great Pumpkin sends a wink our way... letting us know that he will be back for us.

The credits roll and we sit back in our living room chairs... satisfied. "Ahhh, another Halloween came and went. But this time, not without a demonic summoning and acidic pumpkin vomit."

Thank you, Great Pumpkin... wherever you are.

Comments: 6 | Post a Comment | Permalink

That is not a story for Kyle to read,... so I guess it's a good thing he's dead.


Comment By Anonymous on October 27, 2004 3:50 PM

Oh... for those of you that care, Sarah mentioned "Kyle" in her comment. Kyle was our household's beloved jack-o-lantern. He was... how should I say this... nauseatingly ugly. But, he had a heart of gold! I have a picture kicking around somewhere. I'll post it when I can.

Anyway, Ashley and I disposed of... errr, gave a proper burial to Kyle a few nights ago. Hopefully, he'll rise from his untimely grave and shower us all with pumpkin vomit. Oh Kyle... even in your pretend zombie afterlife, you're still one hell of a vicious bastard. We love you though... please don't vomit on us.

Comment By Sam on October 27, 2004 4:03 PM

sam, ya know, i had something all set to respond to your great pumpkin vomit bath, but it took soo long to set up a stupid blogger account that it's gone. well done. i am glad that you are doing this. now i can keep up with your life without actually having to talk to you. yipee!

Comment By manuel noriega on October 27, 2004 8:30 PM

Carrie... Thanks for the effort. That's really what's important here. You get a big ol' E on your report card.

Comment By Sam on October 27, 2004 9:02 PM

kkk...kyle is dead! And composted like a common vegetable? Woe is me, woe to all of us, I'm heart broken. And to hear it as a rumor over the internets no less? Damn you cruel world, sweet Kyle deserved better than this planet could give him anyway. I'm leaving now, to cry myself to sleep...

Comment By Anonymous on October 28, 2004 1:27 AM

Kyle needed to be put out of his misery many day's before he perished of (un)natural causes. He made Sloth seem like a well-cultured upper-class bachelor. I fear his return to torture all involved for not being merciful to him. You'll put a damaged animal down, but not poor Kyle.

Kyle. Please stay dead.

Comment By Blackwatch on November 01, 2004 3:00 PM

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Sam Who!?
Sam is an amazing and humble guy. Once, he rushed into a burning building, up six flights of stairs to save a kitten from certain death. He speaks eight languages, has mastered three varieties of martial arts, is a wine expert, and is a pulitzer prize winning author. Sam is an international heart-throb who prefers a quiet evening at home knitting afghans for the homeless, to the go-go, glitz and glamor of the party scene. I think the day he won the silver medal for ballroom dancing at the 98 olympics was the happiest of his life. Pretty impressive for a guy who never finished the 8th grade. - Carrie, 04
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