Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Ugh... Again!?
Posted by Sam at 9:20 PM | tags: ,

While you chumps are spending the day celebrating your love and touching one another, I'll be here, alone, researching the true meaning of Valentine's Day: ritual suicide. Ha! Just kidding...

Despite the fact that Valentine's Day (or some likeness thereof) has been around for hundreds of years, only my exhaustive research (a.k.a. Wikipedia) has lead to the discovery of its true meaning: murder most foul. To be precise, seven murders most foul. On February 14th, 1929, five members of Al Capone's gang shot and killed six members of a rival gang and an optician (yeah, the optician part is throwing me off too. Well, you know what they say, "it's not truly a massacre unless an optician dies in the slaughter."). The February 14th butchery had henceforth been dubbed: The St. Valentine's Day Massacre. How romantic...

One of the victims of the 1929 massacre was actually named Frank Tight Lips Gusenberg (I had always thought the moniker "Tight Lips" was reserved for villains in Dick Tracy cartoons... actually, didn't Fat Tony from The Simpsons have a henchman named Tight Lips? Well what do you know... he did.). Interestingly, when the dying Tight Lips was asked who had shot him, he responded, true to his character, "Nobody shot me."

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Sam Who!?
Sam is an amazing and humble guy. Once, he rushed into a burning building, up six flights of stairs to save a kitten from certain death. He speaks eight languages, has mastered three varieties of martial arts, is a wine expert, and is a pulitzer prize winning author. Sam is an international heart-throb who prefers a quiet evening at home knitting afghans for the homeless, to the go-go, glitz and glamor of the party scene. I think the day he won the silver medal for ballroom dancing at the 98 olympics was the happiest of his life. Pretty impressive for a guy who never finished the 8th grade. - Carrie, 04
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